*honey, let's have a baby!

*easily one of my most despised sentiments...for thousands of reasons...

****

ok so...we're doing another ivf. i've typed that a few times over the past two weeks, kinda not fully believing it. but there it is, in all its splendor...jesus christ...and an entire cycle's worth of meds. some of you (the few, the proud...yeah right) will recognize the line-up. i've seen the photo dozens of times, but still can't believe the one up there is MINE...AGAIN.

i've had a year to decide to try to get pregnant again, and also to decide why i would be a fool's ass in hell to try to get pregnant again. there are really good reasons- on the try side? the not try side? does it matter? there are NO ANSWERS. really, life and death, just simply NO ANSWERS...just what we end up doing/what ends up happening to us.

i feel crazy inside, but strangely calm. crazy, calm. faithless, serene.

at least now there can be an end. well, maybe not, probably not, NOT, but i can enjoy that thought for a minute, right? better yet, i should just try not to think at all. yeah, that's the ticket.

for the gipper

i really do feel like i need to win one. after everything- the infertility, the multiple birth, the baby death- i want to just win this last time and be done with it all. but i think the whole thing is just a fantasy. the carrot. the plaster.

all your comments are so, so right. and the farther i get from achieving a pregnancy, the harder it is to want it. the less desperate it is.

on the other hand, it's probably when i feel the least like another baby would be a good idea, that it would happen. because FUCK ME, you know?

i just want to feel like i've already won, which i kinda do. i want to feel like i'm winning every moment. sometimes i do. other times...are just other times.

sometimes i just feel like i want another chance. but another chance for what, exactly? what chances am i giving up every moment i waste thinking about getting pregnant again? because i don't know if it will happen; no matter what i do, i can't know. i just have to win every moment anyway.

i am finding out that i have a hard time with feelings. my DOING keeps me from my BEING. my "knowing" keeps me from the knowledge that i can not know.

for now, i just don't want to miss the moments with the people i'm already a mother to; i don't want to lose those moments to fantasy. i've already won.

yet, here i am.

stark raving white

i've been staring at one line since yesterday, and my eyes hurt. my eyes are seeing lines where there are obviously none...obviously, at least, for anyone else but me. the area below the test lines are blindingly white, yet still i stare and hallucinate.

i am stuck. i am stuck in indecisiveness, which can work with infertility. i guess when i think hard enough about getting pregnant or not i can be happy with either, but jesus christ above, the frustration of negative test after negative test is maddening...

which begs the question, am i again caught up in the success of the two pink lines, or do i really, really, REALLY want another screaming, crazy-making child?

the process of infertility is feeling a bit safe these days too, ironically. i know how to do it. even the craziness feels warm and familiar. i wonder how long and how far i will try.

really, though, i am not as pathetic as all that sounds, thank god. i am actually feeling pretty good. i am learning to be mindful and appreciate every moment, and trying to compartmentalize the infertility. i am a mom, after all.

no matter what happens, i am already a mom.

FUUCKKKKKKK

i am staying away. i haven't posted, have barely checked my charmedgirl email, have stayed away from bloglines (lest i drown in the sheer numbers).

i am losing weight. i am feeling more my old self. i am questioning my desire to get pregnant again. i think i've decided not to do the RE thing, but instead try the fucking OPTs for a few months. and then, i think, maybe, stop.

i am going out with friends every other friday. friday night was always good for me. it's still good, maybe even better now because on sunday i don't feel depressed about an empty life with no children. things are looking up.

husband is edgy and depressed. he is with me on the no RE thing, but he's just so sad. he doesn't want to work. he wants to be home. i don't blame him. i told him he can't escape it so don't try; i also told him i feel like i'm getting better and he's getting worse. he agreed.

p@ige...i'm forgetting. i want to forget. i want to move on. i still cry, but not like before. she ripped open my head and my heart and my flesh...made it possible to uncover so many truths. she's my savior, my personal jesus. she is dead, but i'm alive. i guess i want to forget the pain and remember her, and what's happened because of her.

my deadbaby friends, i miss you! i am trying to figure out how to live my life and still come back here. i'm not sure how it's going to work. i think about you and sometimes read your blogs...but i'm scared to comment and lose myself in deadbabyland. i'm an asshole.

c., i am so, so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. FUCK.

do i even want to?

my sister is 19 weeks pregnant.

two weeks ago, they informed her that her blood serum indicated an increased chance of spin@ bifid@. last thursday, i went to the genetic counselor with her because her husband couldn't make it. it turned out to be a good thing, since i had to answer so many questions; my infertility and stillbirth increases her chances of problems...from their chart's point of view, anyway.

two days ago, she had her ultrasound. (i'm still fucking shocked at how long they made her wait to find out. i would have NEVER been able to wait that long, but then again, i'm totally batshit crazy at this point.)

the baby is fine, as far as they can see. it's also a boy, which i'm thrilled to death about. i'm really glad i don't have to worry about having another baby girl around to remind me of anything. A BOY. a totally different species. thank the good lord above.

(it's seven months today since my baby died. i am running out of steam. i am running out of care. it's inside me, but i don't want to acknowledge it.)

i'm still not pregnant. HOLY SHIT!! big surprise, right? the whole thing just seems so ridiculous. i'm trying to get pregnant again. the longer it takes to happen, the more times a day i will go back and forth on whether or not i really want it to happen. i am so fucking angry. and sad.

i don't want to do this anymore. i don't know what i want. i just hope i keep caring less and less.

ummm...that was horrible

3-4 months clomid.

that's what he wants us to do. followed by insemination.




are you fucking goddamn KIDDING ME?????????




i feel the swishing of wind on my face as i fall into the rabbit hole...the infertility mind-fuck. i've been down this road, and it wasn't nice. can it work? maybe, possibly. can it work soon enough that i will not become a raging lunatic? maybe, possibly.

i just feel like it would be fucking around for, i don't know, 6 months.

on top of the actual treatment plan, the doctor (and then later the nurse practitioner) said, "well, you already have children so it's not like you should feel pressured. you're pretty busy as it is." FUCK ME.

what is this, some kind of joke?

i brought up the fact that i'm not comfortable with insemination because of the chance of multiples, the uncontrollably of it. i mean, ivf, you put in one embryo, there's only a chance of identical twins, a reasonable risk. he understood the fact that i would only want a single embryo transfer, but then kept saying the real risk of multiples was with ivf, not insemination. i kept reminding him, not with a single embryo transfer. DOES HE NOT GET MY STATISTICAL TRACK RECORD?????

what's happening now is, husband gets his product tested next week. that could turn all this aggravation to smoke, considering his morphology last time was bad enough to go straight to ICSI (for non-infertiles, that's where they inject the sperm into the egg). we shall see. we shall see how much of a *miracle* p@ige was after all, huh?

if he tests normal, i will have to call the doctor back. i just don't think it's feasible to drive 45 minutes each way, 3x in ten days, for monitoring for goddamn clomid for three months. also, my sister is the only one that knows about this whole fiasco, and it would be hard enough to get her pregnant ass to watch the kids for morning monitoring for ONE month, for the ivf.

husband suggested that i could take the kids with me for morning monitoring. wouldn't that be special? bringing three three year olds to a doctor's office before they would even be awake in the morning, to sit in a waiting room full of infertile women. WOULD I EVEN SURVIVE that many evil eye curses to my first pee-on-a-stick?

if the sperm comes back fine, i will push for trying on our own with ovulation predictors for 3-4 months...after all, he did say i was fertile. (insert psych ward quality laughter.)

the way i see it, i need to just wait for further testing. buy the fucking ovulation predictors and calm down. that was my plan anyway, wasn't it? get the consult, go through the testing, lose some more weight, and do this thing in june/july. so why are my panties all in a knot? maybe it was being called fertile just because i got pregnant on our own. maybe it was being told that 8 months is the normal time period for getting pregnant for someone my age (33). maybe it was because i had to think about months and months of other treatments and the insanity of that bullshit. maybe it was because i was told it shouldn't matter because i have other kids.


MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE A BABY GIRL TURNING SIX MONTHS THIS WEEKEND. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY BABY, WHO I CARRIED FOR NINE GODDAMN MONTHS, IS DEAD. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON ALREADY AND I CAN'T, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN.

thank god i WAS able to make another tattoo appointment for next tuesday. i like a sure thing these days.

here

next friday is our ivf consult.

i can't believe it. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. luckily it's just a consult, and we're not planning on anything until at least june. but really? i'm so fucking angry. and i will REALLY be angry if we have to go through with it. i mean, why can't it just happen again? i may actually be getting angry that i ever got pregnant...that i am now stupid enough to be thinking it may happen again before summertime and save me from the clinic. how stupid can a girl get?

i think i am really, solidly, no-turning-back convinced i want to try this whole thing again. i want another chance. i need another chance. mostly, i think i really do want another child, especially as these three get older and older. i can't believe i was so close to getting that iud; it was only a fluke that i wasn't able to go in and just get it in december. funny how things turn out.

funny how things turn out...isn't that just so cute? isn't it just so lackadaisical? HO hum, didn't that all just work out for the best in the end? what the fucking shit? why do we bother deciding anything at all? goddamn this all to hell, i swear.

i think i am really coasting on the dead baby stuff. is it because i'm due for a denial phase? is it because time is dulling the edges? is it because my mind is occupied with thoughts of another possible child? i don't know. i feel guilty in a way, but in another way, i know that it is only honoring my baby girl to want another; before her, i didn't want another one at all. that is a bit comforting to me, especially because there's also a great capacity right here to feel guilty for wanting to 'replace' or 'move on' or something like that. the truth is i kinda DO want to move on...MY BABY IS DEAD. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK and i have a LIFE! i love her, i love her but i never met her. because of her, i will maybe, possibly, bring another child into our family and that's pretty amazing, no? I DON'T WANT TO FEEL SHITTY ANYMORE.

that being said, i do think there is one feeling that can possibly be resolved with another baby. the fucking fact that i still feel pregnant. six months later, i still feel a bit of shock when i bend over and feel absolutely fine. i still feel like i should have to pee in the middle of the night. i feel it all, but without the huge belly. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL PREGNANT FOREVER. in my mind, i just want to do another nine months, have a baby, and be done with it for the love of GOD. as it is, i've been pregnant for 15 months and counting...and the last two trimesters didn't physically suck that bad. i am not looking forward to being pregnant again, and i'm pretty mad that i have to be pregnant for 18 months to have a baby (if i'm fucking lucky)...i feel like a goddamn elephant.

so there it is. i actually wish to be pregnant.


*************
i've decided to stay here, and not go private. i know, how flaky, right? but that pretty much sums me up since september (well if i'm honest i'll admit it goes beyond september...).

the dreaded dream

it's starting to happen...the one where i stare at a positive pregnancy test.

in the dream.

then i wake up.



last night, as i was enjoying the staring in my dream at the strange-looking pregnancy test with the two lines, i was jolted awake by crying from the other room. after getting back into bed, i laid there and thought, "why was i so upset to wake up??"

then i remembered.

the positive pregnancy test dream.

i haven't had them since the good ole years of straight-laced infertility.

what happens now, when there's so much more to it???

FUCK.



i'd much rather dream of my dead baby.

definitely possibly maybe

we are going to try to have another baby.

husband and i, over a couple of conversations during the past week, decided that we are going to try. we would love to "fall pregnant" like we did with p@ige, but i've come to the conclusion that i don't want the scraped knees. there's no way i can handle a romp in the infertility hay...not again. god, please not again.

i had a taste of the rabbit hole last month...and it wasn't pretty. it was desperate, obsessive, out of control; i just can't go there again. i had flashbacks of the year after year i tried to get pregnant before ivf and it's just not worth it.

in fact, some sickly-rational/irrational part of my brain is telling me that in the long run, i would feel better about having another ivf baby (like ivf makes some different kind of baby? hey i never said this made sense). the thinking goes, p@ige was conceived through actual sex, the way i wished we could have done it the first time. she was going to be the homebirth i wanted so badly, yet i had so much anticipatory anxiety and guilt over the fact that she'd be getting (and giving me) what i didn't have with triplets. now that she's dead and fuck me, all that shit means nothing at this point, i think i would rather have husband pull out his "weap0ns of @ss destructi0n" and hit the clinic again. i guess this time around that p0rn has alot more meaning...it did help tease out our alive kids! funny how time and life can change all concept of romance.

i also know that i don't want to attempt to accomplish the impossible; there's no way in hell i can just la-di-da through month after month trying to pretend i'm not trying to get pregnant. what the fuck?? really, i had to face the fact that if we wanted a baby, we'd go straight to the source. fuck it. i'm not getting any younger and i'm certainly not fertile just because we had p@ige.

now...there is something else. there's a creepy feeling that ivf may not work again. we've had a couple of chuckles about not transferring more than one embryo...i mean, that's funny when you have three three year olds. but it's not so funny when i think about the fact that that means nothing. i also had three alive and perfect children against way higher odds and then had another single baby die. i know of many triplet moms who had numerous failed ivfs to transfer three embryos and get triplets. people tend to think that it means i have some magic uterus; anything going in will be coming out 9 (or seven 1/2, in the first case) months later. IT DOESN'T. i know, i can't worry about this now. but shit...i'm going from assuming it will work to dread that it won't. because there's nothing left after that. FUCKING GODDAMN INFERTILITY.

i haven't told anyone IRL about this decision, except my sister, the one who had the miscarriage last year and is pregnant again. i have a fantasy about getting pregnant and not telling anyone; i think about just having it all to myself. i'm not particularly worried about losing the baby and having to make that announcement, i just want to have the pregnancy and baby all to myself...to avoid the conversations and *looks* and comments about healing and bullshit from people who have no idea and never will that one pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with the other, that i am not replacing anyone and that it will not magically make me move on from p@ige. i am certainly not telling anyone else that we're even trying.

our consultation is set for march 6. i want to get all the preliminary testing done and plan for a june cycle. i need some more time, and june feels like maybe i'll be ready. you know, that's the part i hate most about infertility...the doubts. nine months...is that long enough after i had a dead baby to get pregnant again? but it's obvious that when fertility isn't an issue it just happens, and many times, much sooner than nine months post. i hate that we can't just say, "let's do it," fuck, and get pregnant. oh well. maybe i just think too much.

ok so another baby...it's definitely possible, maybe.

the present

i am finally starting to calm down.

i think i've decided to forgo the iud. you're surprised, right? until june, i think i will just try to stay relaxed (can that really be a goal for anything other than this moment??) by pretending i'm not trying to get pregnant. i think by june, husband and i can start to talk about whether we want to go back to the RE. i don't know what we'll want to do by then, but i will probably be closer to either wanting to go to the RE or to get an IUD.

speaking of husband, he just took his promotional exam on saturday. he's been studying for six months, and i've been leaving him alone. i didn't talk about how sucky and miserable i was at the end of the pregnancy, and i haven't really let him have any of this post-dead baby shit either. on saturday i felt a strong urge to open the floodgates of hell, but shut it back off after a trickle came out. it's really not fair to him; i need to give him some time to get reacquainted with real life. he's said over the months that he's put his dead baby stuff on hold, and i need to allow him to come into it slowly.

i've also decided to put off the official "another baby" conversation. he knows i want to, and for now, that's probably enough. i am trying not to ruin it by pushing it too soon. and you know what? i'm kinda out of my mind anyway. four weeks ago i was desperately trying to find someone to give me an iud. my urge to "plan" and "know" is strong, but i must resist. FOR FUCKS SAKE...we already know that planning is only a bastardized hope.

my original thought was that it took nine months to grow a baby (who died) and now, by june, it will be nine months that i would have tried to grow (the beginning of) who i am now. although i know it's theoretically possible to get pregnant within that time, i think it's too soon to fall back into that insane mind-trip of infertility and officially trying on our own. all that brings is more insanity when i should be trying to nurse myself back to life and health. this past month has been hell.

i still don't even trust myself enough to believe another baby is really what i want. i thought i was so sure about the iud, and now look. i need to just take each day and get back to basics, back to getting to know what's going on with me. living the future is going to help about as much as living in the past does- not very much.

just me, just for today.

IF/then

i think i'm starting to figure out what the fuck's been wrong with me recently.

it all started at a time when there were "obvious" reasons: being present for soulmate baby's birth, xmas, my sister finding out about her pregnancy (who is still fine at the moment), getting my first period since september and not being able to get the iud, new year's eve.

i have lost all cares. i suddenly stopped working out, stopped caring what i eat, stopped caring to try to have a good time, stopped caring that i'm the fattest ever. the only thing i've cared about was thinking about being pregnant again. kinda ironic that thinking about getting pregnant would lead to such bad personal care...but whatever.

i've read many posts from other deadbabymoms about getting their first periods after. they were at a totally different point; still within the post-partum period, their pain was still fleshy. getting my first period after four months, i don't know. it's unnerving to think that may be the impetus for all of this craziness, all this numbness; and seriously, it's been the worst yet.

i remember others saying it was a fucked-up reminder that they weren't pregnant anymore, yet still didn't have a baby. it was like a slap in the face. i think i've been feeling that since i hadn't gotten my period that i was still in the post-partum period, and now, i'm just not anymore. is it possible that it's really at the root of all this madness?

since getting my period the day after xmas, (HA! an exact month ago, i just realized), and not being able to get the iud (my out), i've been secretly obsessing about getting pregnant. not really secret to any of you, but a secret IRL. i even saw the "fertile cervical mucus" that i've rarely seen in my horribly infertile past...and i went off the deep end. i've been unable to sleep, thinking about the possibility of being able to get pregnant again. this will all end very soon, not with two lines, but with blood; BUT also with some understanding of what the hell is wrong with me.

i am scared shitless of putting myself back into the mental insanity of infertility. especially now, when i know it's possible. especially now, when there's so much more to it. if IF, then what? the RE? i don't think i can go there again. but can i really go on month after month with the IF hell i know from the past? can i just "see what happens" without going completely and utterly MAD?

i feel like my period will be here again soon, which in itself is a miracle. one month on the dot? and there goes my brain..."maybe the pregnancy reset my innards." HOPE, you goddamn motherfucker.

that's the problem. i'm scared shitless of thinking it may happen and actually WANTING it to at the same time. i'm fucked.