blood

my sister called yesterday and told me she had a spot of blood. she pushed the paper in a little and there it was.

last time that happened, i was about 7 months pregnant and encouraged her to think positively until she got an ultrasound. she miscarried at 8 weeks.

when she got pregnant this time, i assured her that the mother-fucked timing of her due date (p@ige's one-year anniversary) would most certainly mean a safe arrival; isn't that how it usually works??

this time, i could hardly say anything at all except i'm sorry. i thought she would be someone who has that one "common" early miscarriage and then goes on without a problem. maybe she is, and she pushed that paper in a little too hard. maybe she isn't.

her pregnancy has been hard on me, as short as it's been so far. it really made me secretly want to get pregnant again. i think i still do. i'm a little jealous of her fertility; envious that she can get pregnant so easily. but i'm also looking forward to her baby...maybe even thinking that her baby can distract me from wanting my own. and i'm not beating myself up about the envy, it just is what it is, you know?

if she has a miscarriage, she's going to seriously lose it. she is a very, very sensitive girl. i don't even want to think about her traveling the road of miscarriage after miscarriage. when i was going through my infertile years, i was so very grateful that i just wasn't getting pregnant at all. i read many blogs of women who had miscarriages and really felt for them; the hope, the chance, that then was ripped away, time after time. i felt lucky in that respect.

please, please, please stay, little tiny thing. i can't take any more of this.
please, no more baby death.