denial

when i first saw p@ige, i thought she looked like something was wrong with her. her face looked strange. i guess it's either death, or something really was wrong. we declined the autopsy because we didn't want her cut up. since then, i've told myself there was something wrong with her.

when my kids are screaming their heads off (daily) and i feel like hitting my head against the wall, i tell myself i would have been totally miserable with an infant to deal with at the same time.

when i see or hear about horrible things happening to children (or even grown women), i tell myself that p@ige will never know that pain and hurt.

in three years when all my kids leave for kindergarten ON THE SAME DAY, i will be able to go back to school and soon after get a cash-paying job. i tell myself it will be so great to have the extra financial resources in the house.

i can actually go on outings with the kids next year. they will be three in january and they are finally at the age where they will appreciate it (and i can logistically do it by myself). i tell myself that a baby would have put a damper on that and that wouldn't have been fair to the kids. after all, i have enough guilt over the fact that they didn't have all mommy's attention when THEY were babies. i always thought i would *pay them back* when they got older.

we can start going on vacations again next year. i don't have to convince myself how great that will be...yet somehow this one is the hardest to feel comforted by. probably because i feel sickened by the thought of trying to have that much fun...





i think i'm in denial. i am trying to deny how much i loved and wanted her.
i am trying to convince myself i'm better off without her.
i want to stop, but i don't know if i can face the pain of the alternative.