right before i went in for my c-section to birth p@ige, i told the nurse i wanted to have my tubes tied. i didn't realize that catholic hospitals don't allow that procedure, and so, i am still technically able to "decide" whether i want to try to get pregnant again. or not.
the morning of p@ige's delivery, every cell in my being was screaming, "NEVER AGAIN. NEVER DO THIS AGAIN." but by the time i arrived home, i was desperate to be pregnant, to have the hope of holding (that) baby. every moment since, i have come up with every possible reason to have, or not have, another baby.
one flaw in all of this, though, is the decision to get pregnant isn't even ours to make. we have a history chock-full of infertility; besides our triplets via IVF, it took seven years to get pregnant spontaneously. we were pretty shocked. she wan't planned, but she was wanted. alot. but as far as getting pregnant again? not something we have control over, short of another trip to the IVF clinic.
so far, i've already decided that i would go back to the clinic. i even called them AND my insurance company. then i decided that i should get an IUD. after that, i decided that we would just *have fun* for a year and *see what happened*. then i thought we should....................
it went on and on, just like that. poor husband rode my wave, encouraging each choice of the moment.
the fact is, when i'm honest with myself, i admit i don't really want another child. i am simply dying to hold the baby i should have right now. i want that baby so damn bad. i want her brother and sisters to have her, too. i want husband to hold her and love her. i need her but i can't have her. not now, not ever...no matter how many other babies i have.
husband and i decided last night that i will get the IUD. it feels true. it feels stable and in control of my life. and i'll take that when i can get it.
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Oh Joy - I'm so heartbroken to read your story. I know that you had lost Paige, but I didn't know the circumstances. I'm really glad that you started a blog. Hopefully, you'll find how cathartic it is to get your thoughts out there.
I am so very sorry for your loss, it has haunted me ever since you told me. Your arms DO need a baby to hold. I pray that you have one very soon.
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