sixth sense

the three were ghosts today and went trick-or-treating for the first time ever. i can't believe how big they are. it makes me sad that that the worst year of my life (maybe even worse than this one, i'll let you know) was their infant hood; that i thought i would get to experience having a single baby like a normal mother. i guess not.

months ago i thought i would dress the kids up as bugs. they love bugs. i spent weeks figuring out what kind of bugs and what i would use to make the costumes. i thought it would be funny to make p@ige a maggot (you know, a baby fly). after she died, i had no energy for complicated bug costumes and resorted to old-school ghosts. i am finding it utterly hilarious that i had enough energy to think about doing complicated shit with a newborn, but without her i had to resort to cutting up some sheets and calling it a day.

maggots...ghosts...anyone else laughing yet?

i still feel nothing, yet i realized today it's more like nothing with a haze over it. there's a sense of something missing, yet there's no pain associated with it. after thinking about it, i realize that sense is living through all of the events i planned for in my head; doing all the things i thought i'd be doing with her. i thought about having her at my sister's wedding (two weeks after she died). i thought about having her for halloween, her costume, bringing her around the neighborhood. i thought about her at thanksgiving and how i'd probably skip cooking this year. i thought about having her at christmas. and then it stops. after christmas, it's just general baby hopes and dreams. i can't wait for new year's eve. i hate this shit.

and so, halloween was a big hit for the kids. unfortunately i was too wrapped up in wondering if anyone around town was looking for the baby i was supposed to have...or thinking about how my baby died.

THIS IS NOT ME.