today has been strange. it feels like it never happened.
today i feel like i saw a movie where a girl was pregnant for nine months and the baby died, then was born. she had other kids and they were enough, so she went on birth control, lost weight, started having a life again and lived happily ever after.
i keep thinking DEAD BABY, but it sounds so far away today. i am questioning reality. i feel nothing.
there is fear, though; this isn't it. a thousand and three pounds of shit is about to fall, squarely on the top of my head.
pain-numbness-fear-pain-numbness-fear-pain-numbness-fear-pain-numbness-fear-pain.
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4 comments:
I feel like this a lot as you know, based on my rambling, crazy, don't make sense posts as of late!
Yeah, that pain-numbness-fear thing keeps going through my head too. And I wonder which part of that I'm feeling today. I think the numb bit.
Came over from the paragraph...
I just wanted to say hello and that I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you're feeling.
I am overweight, and when I lost my son on October 7, I thought for sure it was because of that. Then I thought maybe it was because of the one time I accidentally took the wrong medicine. I have beat myself up for all kinds of things at one point or another... maybe I ignored the ligament pains too long. Maybe I ate too many donuts. Maybe... maybe...
In the end we will drive ourselves crazy blaming and wondering and wishing.
I think it's a good thing that you went on to live your life and make some choices that were good for you. Of course that doesn't ease the pain of losing your sweet Paige, but it does make the rest of your life better, and I think it would make her proud of you.
Sadly, and then, I guess maybe more practically, the days where you feel as if it were a movie, very far a way, increase.
Sometimes I question whether it happened at all. Was it me, pregnant for 9 months? birthed a dead baby?
Was that really me?
me too
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