*the* story, part two

ok, so that day was spent shopping for necessities for the birth and baby. it was the day before her due date. i hadn't really felt her moving that day, but remembered her acting like a clown the night before.

the early evening was spent drinking juice and molesting my huge pregnant belly to no avail. i would push and prod her, but it was so weird. i would push, and she would just glide right back. i didn't think she was gone, but i thought i sure would love some reassurance. i called the midwife, and because she was about 45 minutes away, and it being saturday night at 8pm, she sent me to a collegue about 20 minutes away. it was a dark, dark drive- country roads, farms, mist rising from the road, fog- but soon i would hear her heart beating and i would feel silly and go back home and go to bed.

i arrived, laid on the bed, and waited to hear something. i heard my own pulse, and it sounded very weak so she put in new batteries. still silence. she told me that his had happened to her before; you know, POSITIONING. oh my god, it couldn't really be the alternative, now could it?

we both went to the couch and called my midwife. we knew the next stop would be the emergency room for a sonogram. we hung up the home and i felt the tears come. i knew what was happening, but i still had hope. i felt shocked, but i still had hope to see her heart beating on a sonogram. THIS REALLY COULDN'T BE HAPPENING, COULD IT?????????

i got back into the car. i pulled out of the rediculously long driveway back onto the dark, dark, misty, foggy, country roads. i was in a horror movie. i would remember that drive, for better or worse. it would be a funny story about the heartbeat "scare", or it would be the worst night of my life, punctuated by the drive from hell.

i was alone when i got to the ER, as husband had to get the neighbors over to sit with the kids so he could meet me there. on top of it all, i knew i would have some trouble with the staff about the fact that i had no doctor. the nurses didnt understand that i had a homebirth midwife and no doctor. in my mind, i was screaming, "JUST GIVE ME A F*CKING ULTRASOUND ALREADY!!!!!" i was crawling out of my skin and they were judging me in their heads about my birth choices.

husband showed up, and shortly a nurse from labor and delivery came in with a fetal monitor. she proceeded to slide that thing over my belly for about 20 minutes, and talked about that goddamned positioning. husband was looking at the monitor while she was working it, and asked about some numbers that were popping up. 120 would flash on the screen, although we didn't hear anything sounding like a fetal heart tone.

it's a small hospital, and we had to wait while they called in the ultrasound tech on-call. we watched the end of survivorman and some ocean documentary on discovery channel while we waited. because of the flashing 120 on the monitor, i still had a little tiny bit of hope.

finally, i was wheeled into the ultrasound room. husband was told he couldn't come, which really didn't even faze me at that point. she started her looking, and i looked at the screen from the side, from the corner of my eye. the picture looked still, despite her moving the wand around...i decided to look away. i stared at the ceiling, at a vent in the ceiling. i thought, "i will remember this vent for the rest of my life. this is what i'll be seeing when she tells me my baby is dead."

what she actually talked about was my other kids (triplets); did i do IVF (yes). she told me she also did IVF for her son (that's nice). then she told me if it was twins or more, she would have aborted all but one (thanks for telling me that while you know goddamned well i'm carrying a dead baby, you bitch!). i finally asked her what she saw (no viability, no bloodflow- those were her words). thanks.

i got back to the ER, and they had moved husband to a private room. we had to wait for the doctor to come in to tell us the obvious. i finally broke down in that room. i felt like i was in a dream, but i knew i wasn't. this would be the most horrible night of my life. i was living the worst night of my life. i felt like i was clawing the walls of a long, long pit.

the OB finally came in (he had to be called in from home as well), and after a little scuffle about how adamantly he opposed homebirth/VBAC (ummmm, kinda irrelevant at that point) we decided i would go home and be admitted the next morning for delivery by c-section. he actually started saying that they probably wouldn't be able to induce me (blah blah blah) because of the previous c-section.......did he really think i was still trying for a VBAC? i don't know.

i got back home and went to bed. i just laid there with my dead baby belly and cried. then i got up and cleaned my bedroom. i think i finally laid back down in time to get about 2 hours of sleep for the big day. when i went to get ready to go, i threw up.

i kept dryheaving nothing. i had nothing left inside after the night from hell......except my baby girl who i couldn't keep.