we thought we were finished. except for a couple of weeks during the summer of 2006 (when husband was home on temp disability) i thought i might want to return to the world of IF and REs for another baby. when he went back to work and i was again alone at home with three 18 month olds, i realized NO- no more you silly, silly girl!
the three turned two in january, 2007, the same month i found out i was pregnant spontaneously. it was the first time i thought i felt a little off, peed on a stick, and got the magical two lines. god was i shocked. husband was thrilled, and was of the mind that we had done it ourselves, was our miracle baby, etc. i, on the other hand, spent my time totally re-formulating my future in my mind...all the ways i would make it work and convincing myself that it would be great.
one of the ways that pregnancy would be great was that i had always wanted a homebirth, before being blind-sided by the other high-risk pregnancy which resulted in the c-section from hell. although it would be a smidge trickier since i would now be considered a HBAC (homebirth after c-sec), my midwife concluded after review of my records that she would take me on. i could finally experience labor, squeeze a baby out, never go into a hospital, never leave my baby in an NICU, and breastfeed normally. i could take care of ONE BABY instead of three. yeah, that might be cool.
the pregnancy was pretty uneventful, except for the huge amount of weight i was gaining. i was eating ALOT, and not so great (way way more about that later).
at 38 weeks, i had been feeling for days that my baby girl would be coming soon. i was having alot of braxton hicks- stronger than previously. i also felt really menstrual, and a little nauseous. a few days into my 39th week, nothing. i felt fine. what i actually started thinking and saying was, "this girl isn't EVER coming out! she's gonna be born next summer!" my cervix was shorter, but still firm and closed....we would wait for a sign of labor. i figured she'd come around her due date, still a couple of weeks away.
at the beginning of week 40 (sunday, labor day weekend), still no signs of labor. cervix, closed. baby- big...pelvis- roomy, so no worries about that. there was a question about her position, so i went for a sonogram on tuesday to rule out breech. she was alive on tuesday; i saw her heart beating.
that saturday, september 8th, we went shopping for newborn diapers, nursing bras, and other random stuff for the birth. i excitedly watched little babies and girls and looked through little baby girl outfits. her due date was sunday, september 9th and i would surely go into labor soon.
i didn't know she was already dead.
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I lost my baby on her due date also. I was shopping the night before she was born for pajamas to wear at the hospital. The next day she was dead. I had no idea. People kept saying to me, I thought something was wrong with you this pregnancy, you just didn't look good. WTF? How could everyone else *know* when I didn't?
It will be a year in 2 weeks.
This club sucks ass, doesn't it?
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