my mind is all a flutter.
it is by total shock and surprise that i find myself immersed in the world of self-help; not for the first time in my life, but probably the most intense. i find myself needing to repeat: my baby died inside me after nine months of pregnancy. yes, it really happened. yes, TO ME. yes, it will never go away; it is forever.
it's been amazing to me to be a part of the blogging baby loss community, to read...read, and read and read. we are so different, yet the same. those women, years ago, before the internet, before groups...i can't imagine the torment of the horrible dead baby thoughts. we, together, know that they are not original. we, together, learn day by shitty, sad, meaningless, angry, or numb day, that it's all what is to be our lives for an unknown period. we, together, write vomitously to ourselves and each other and realize it's the best we can do. our collective energy is so strong. i am so grateful.
after it happened, i knew i couldn't pretend it didn't. i joined an email loop. let's just say i didn't find that to be a healthy outlet for my grief, so i went to the hospital support group. that was pretty good; i felt normal in that room of other dead baby parents. none were to jealous or hateful or angry on that first night and i felt calm about it all. i thought at first that i wouldn't need a therapist; this was about dead baby, not my personal shit, right? well, not so much. so i got one of those, too. i am such a good dead baby mom! yikes.
i am finding this thing is a two-headed monster- the grief and the past; the death and how it filters through my particular brain. i am starting to realize that paige's death is also pushing to the fore all the tragedies previously scored on my spirit. my real work is in trying to recognize the landmines that are my unhealthy and unproductive responses...namely: run away, you worthless fatty.
i am currently having some mind-blowing dialogue with an incredible woman about attachment; how a break thereof in childhood can make this emotional trip down dead baby lane seriously complicated.
it's amazing what can happen when women come together.
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5 comments:
I couldn't agree with your sentiments more. Without my blog and other women's blogs I really don't know where I'd be now. At the bottom of a bottle of vodka probably.
When it gets really bad I read other women's blogs who are further down the line, I read their old posts and like you say although they're different people it's like reading about yourself.
The hardest thing I'm dealing with at the moment is trying to accept that this IS my life. I can't believe it still.
It is amazing how much comfort we get out of knowing we aren't crazy- or maybe we are crazy but at least we're not alone.
I struggle a lot with accepting that this is my life now, forever. Even writing here I feel anxious.
i am starting to realize that paige's death is also pushing to the fore all the tragedies previously scored on my spirit.
This is exactly right. In fact, I've found that, for me, the past hurts can sometimes overpower the present one.
I'm totally with you on the amazing aspects of connecting with other women. I also have to say that I think this post is beautifully and powerfully written.
For me personally, I know that having some other blogs to visit where I know I am going to understand and relate to whatever is happening for them on that particular day is a nice comfort. It also means a guaranteed audience when the other people who read my blog start to get bored with the emotional roller coaster that is my life right now.
I didn't even know about blogging until only a year ago...so for most of my losses I have been totally, completely alone. And with a non-existent support system from friends and family too. This has been amazing for me. This and my therapist!
As for dead baby lane, (is it wrong that I chortled at that?)...it sucks to be here, but you are so right, this community of women really does help. I'm not thankful for much these days, but I am thankful for that!
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