because i am a technical retard, you don't see the FLAME OF FORTITUDE award i received from meg. but i did, and thanks, meg!!!
i want to pass the flame over to C., who's responsible for most of my tears. thank you, C., for bringing that out. i also want to pass it to Coggy, who's back to work with balls of steel.
ok, so, WOW. you know how you sometimes, now that you blog, think of posts in your head? how you sometimes, even when you're talking or emailing, think, "i'm gonna post this."
that didn't happen with the emails to my mother.
the deal with her is, she is a very selfish and self-righteous woman. she's fucked me over during every major crisis in my life, because if you don't beg her for her support, she reserves the right to believe whatever the fuck she wants about you and your actions. unfortunately for her, having a dead baby forces you to stare in the face of every other loss in your life. in this case, i lost a mother as a girl. we were very much neglected as kids (i, being the oldest). she was concerned only about herself, yet also had an ongoing battle with her own mother about taking care of us. she didn't want us to be taken care of by her mother, she didn't do it, and so...we weren't taken care of at all. she was also extremely controlling (and like i said, i was the oldest)...so what do you do with no love and a shitload of rules?? now that i have my own children, she seems to think she's their second mother. i think it's more like she thinks she's got a second chance after fucking up so royally with her own three daughters. SORRY, but that is making me SICK.
anyway, i didn't plan on posting those. only after i sent the last one, the one containing the big, fat FUCK YOU, did it occur to me that i needed support; i needed witnesses.
it feels liberating and horrible at the same time. all i know right now is that if i have any chance at all of dealing with the past, FINALLY, i need to be free of her for a while. how can i possibly deal with it if she's constantly creating new drama, hogging up precious therapy minutes with new, improved bullshit???
it may seem like a bad time, but i think it's actually the perfect time to deal with this. i no longer have the energy to hold back my emotions about what she's done to me, exactly BECAUSE i have a dead baby to grieve. i don't have the, the...strength? to push the shit down and act strong anymore.
ooooooooooh p@ige, you opened up a whole can of kick-ass, didn't you.
i always knew you'd be feisty!
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6 comments:
You are so right about the dead baby thing forcing us to confront our other losses. I don't think that's something that I totally got before now.
I'm glad you're taking a break from your mother. Sometimes that's all you can do to survive (that's what I had to do).
Okay. I'm having a SHIT day. Callum died one month ago today. Thank you for passing along the Fortitude Award to me. I mean, in weird way, it makes me feel a bit better. To know I'm being heard. I feel like I've been abondoned by so many. Except here. In dead baby land. So, thank you.
As for your mother, I think of that one scene in Legends of the Fall, where the dad has had his stroke and is barely able to speak. He writes on his little chalk board SCREW THEM (or is it him? 'em? I should have checked that before I started writing). Anyway, if the impact of my message isn't lost yet: Do what you need to do, charmedgirl. You may be broken, but not beaten!
I think I'm so exhausted with this exactly because of the fact that I constantly drag all the unfairness up alongside the dead baby thing.
Need to start writing the f*ck you letters now because really I'm so angry at a few people right now. I'm a bit worried that if I start I'll end up with no one left but you lot in blogland.
Thanks for the flame ;o) cheered me right up today.
Been tidying while crying this morning, a new variation on the crying routine ;o)
I am standing here applauding you. It seems weird to say "good for you" in this situation - as it still seems weird to say anything good has come out of our babies' deaths - but I am glad for you for standing up for yourself and your needs.
For me, it almost sucks how much this grief has worked to bring other traumas back to the surface. Thought I was done and over them. But nope, they come back to kick you in the ass again.
I still can't believe your mother. I don't think I like her very much.
Not doing so well lately but I read your Mother Dearest post and I smiled in agreement .. nicely said.. I too have a few family members who need a couple of cans of woop ass opened on them. For now i'm keeping my distance
Family can really suck sometimes
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