"they say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. everybody can see that. but only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well-- the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from the nothingness to maturity. in this respect, say the zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it is born."
quoted from elizabeth gilbert's "eat pray love"
italics, boldface, and lack of proper capitalization- charmedgirl
i read this, laying in bed, after i hung my dead baby's acorn ornament on our tree. coincidence? of course it is...but there it was, in my face, nonetheless.
at first reading, i thought of the baby that grew inside me, that little acorn of herself; and the tree, the life she would never lead, the woman she would never be.
i started this post days ago. i think before the weekend, even. my point in all of it was that i realized that I AM the tree, I AM who is to be born at this point. I AM the force that will pull my future self into existence. NOW is the time.
because shit, i couldn't do it for my kid, but i guess i should do it for somebody.
the only problem now is, all i want to do is smash that fucking acorn into a gazillion pieces. and then i want to stick the shards into my eyeballs.
i dreamt last night that i was pregnant; that made me happy in the dream. i am thinking about it again. i am spinning madness in my head.
1-my sister is pregnant, due three days after p@ige was born dead
2- just about the same moment she was peeing on the glorious stick, blood was starting to come out of my, well, you know...
3-i called to set up my IUD appt, and OH! they don't do that particular IUD right now! I JUST WAITED almost FOUR MONTHS to get my period since my baby died, and now i can't even get the fucking birth control??
4-husband was notified the friday before christmas that he was being punitively transferred out of his precinct; only the mayor himself can overturn it, and although many owe him favors, none are the mayor (this is a very long story, the abridged version of which is simply, THIS WHOLE THING IS BULLSHIT)...he's not very upset about it, because (in his words), "my baby died this year, who cares?" which kills me.
5- my baby is still dead
i don't want to clean my house. i don't want to write. i suddenly want to get pregnant again right now. i don't want to answer my phone. i want to sleep all day and not see another living soul. i hate myself and i hate what is happening.
oh, and i think i decided i'm going to see an attorney. i probably shouldn't just put that out there like that, but whatever. i am starting to think my pregnancy wasn't managed properly. that is making me very angry, and for once, at someone other than myself.
oh, 2008, please be better.
edited to add: soulmate friend just called to tell me the baby is being admitted to the nicu under SIDS observation and testing...2007, you are the year from hell.
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10 comments:
I'm so very sorry you're having a rough time of it. Your post expresses a great deal of what I feel as well.
I planted oak trees almost immediately after my JP died. Every day they grow a little more and I find comfort from that. Oddly enough, they are one of only three reasons that I force myself to get out of bed each morning. Hopefully when they are mature trees, I'll be able to look at them as something beautiful and hopeful. Maybe I'll have matured in my grief also which is my biggest wish right now.
Feeling your pain...
I hope The@dor.a is OK. That is really upsetting to read. What is up with 2007?
Sometimes it never rains, more like it absolutely tips it down for 3 weeks solid and nearly floods everyone.
So does your husband have to get a new job, or are you going to have to move to a new area?
He's right though, most things pale to insignificance faced with the fact that our babies died. It's difficult to give a sh*t about anything now really.
It's so hard being thrown around by all the conflicting emotions, sometimes I feel so many things at once I'm not sure how I'm ever going to make sense of it.
Feel hope, don't feel hope. Want to change, can't be bothered. Want to be pregnant, don't want to be pregnant. Wait, don't wait. Move, don't move. Change jobs...
Endless.
I'm hoping 2008 holds a little light for us all too.
I hope you're holding up too, sounds like you've had a tough couple of weeks.
C x xx
PS stay away from the acorn ornament ;o)
What is up with this year, indeed? It can't end soon enough.
I'm sorry all this is going on at once. I have felt that too, that it doesn't just rain, it pours...or in our case in monsoons.
I'm sorry, charmedgirl. Sounds like it's been a tough week. Does it get any better? I'm not that hopeful of this, actually. I can't imagine every second of every minute sucking FOREVER! I'd say 2008 HAS to be better, but we all know it could get so much worse. And that doesn't make me feel particularly comforted but neither does the fact that I am living through this right now. I'm thinking of you. And for all of our sakes, yours included of course, stay away from the acorn.
PS Please keep us posted on soulmate friend's baby. I hope she's okay...that's just awful news.
I feel exactly the same way about our pregnancy. I feel like so many things were overlooked that could have been helped and that maybe our baby would be here if they weren't. I'm sorry you're also having a hard time.
You've probably already done this, but make sure you order copies of all you medical records, so the attorney can review them.
Can I say that that quotation makes me think that the author of that book (which I haven't read and don't plan to) has never had anything *really* bad happen to her? I could be wrong, but it seems such a ridiculously optimistic passage, saying that things will work out if you just try hard enough. Or something like that.
I hope 2008 is much much better for you.
Well, I came over here to wave some of my shit IQ (heh, I especially love how that's a *compliment*), but am finding it difficult. I'm with Niobe here -- this analogy doesn't apply to dead babies. Are you telling me the dead baby didn't want to be here enough? Give me a break. I'd smash that fucking acorn too. (Maybe then put it in the trash though, not the cornea.)
I'm not putting money on '08 sorry. I've been burned.
woah that's a weird acorn coincidence.
"eat, pray, love" helped me not slit my wrists last summer (2006). that and pot and my dahlias.
i wonder what state you live in. i talked to an attorney in CA and he said that when the baby is born dead, the award is capped at $150,000. we figured it wouldnt be worth attorneys fees and the hell we'd go thru to pursue it. apparently it doesnt matter that my doctors negligence is the REASON my baby was born dead. fuckers.
I read Eat Pray Love... it is a very enlightening book, but there are many theories I do not agree with but overall it was very enlightening.
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