soulmate baby

well, it happened.

long story short, soulmate friend's water broke around 5.30pm on monday. labor started at about 6.30pm, and soulmate baby was born at 10.53pm. a girl. mom and baby doing fine. the end.

long story long...starts and ends at the same place, with a universe in-between.

she called me around 5.30pm to ask me if i thought liquid running down her leg was her water breaking. um, yeah, silly! i made my calls for babysitting and met her at the hospital. during the hour drive, i thought about what was ahead for me. there was fog and mist rising from the road as it was getting dark, which reminded me of my drive from hell the night i found out about dead baby. great.

upon arrival at the hospital, i joined her aunt, cousin, and daughter in the waiting room. this hospital allows only two visitors at any given time, so we all took turns going in and out to see her. my first turn in to see her...was like walking into the x files. the room was dim, and we looked at each other with hours of conversation in our eyes but talked bullshit. i tried to ignore the constant beating of the baby's heart on the monitor but it filled the room like concrete. i was planning a homebirth, so didn't get the pang of, "this should have been me," but the live-baby heartbeat part, just a little, yeah.

my last time in to see her before the baby was born, she grabbed my hands. she was starting to get to a hard part in the labor (they tried an epidural five times and couldn't get it right). i came in real close to her, talked to her, and we locked eyes. it was the deepest thing i've ever experienced. it felt like...like soul-swapping. she went from 6cm to ready to push within those few minutes; she told the nurse she was going to push the baby out, the nurse kinda laughed, and the doctor came around to check her. YEP, ready to push. she was crying at that point, and she didn't want me to go but i knew i had to leave and get her mother. goddamn fucking familial obligations. three minutes after i left the baby was born.

when i got back to the waiting room, i broke down. strangely, not because of dead baby (for the most part). i just didn't want to leave her, and i knew she didn't want me to leave. and fucking shit, wasn't i just fucked out of another life experience? her aunt was out there, let's call her stoic aunt. not a big deal, she being stoic. but there were other people in the room and she kept trying to get me to walk around and stop crying. soon soulmate husband came out to give the news and held me for a while while i cried. i saw the video he took, and cried some more (yeah, that time was definitely for dead baby).

time to go back in. THE moment. the live-baby moment. soulmate friend asked everyone to leave, and i held the baby. it was...fine? really, it was. i felt love for her. it was nice.

i was still reeling, though, from the whole thing before the birth. what the fuck? i felt so cheated! so i talked to soulmate husband and asked him if i could stay the night with her, who told me the most important thing to him was if i could heal a little. (who are we kidding? if he stayed, you know he would just watch tv and fuck around with his iphone, pissing her off immensely. and i know he was happy when he saw the tiny pull-out chair.)

we talked the whole night. about everything- the labor and delivery, my dead baby, her live one, and her upset about not nursing (she has to go back on meds) and how she didn't get the first moments with the baby (temperature issues). the best part, though, was that everyone who came in- from doctors to nurses to janitorial staff- who congratulated her on her baby and asked who i was, heard about my triplets AND my dead baby. i told her that it meant alot to me that she talked about p@ige when, many times, i am reluctant to (i have the urge to tell EVERYONE, but rarely do; what for, anyway?). she said, "i could never not include her. you have four kids, and your last one passed. that's it." i cried. it was the first time we were in a social situation together (if you can call it that) since my baby died, and she did and said the exact right things...even during labor and immediately post-partum. well, like i named her, soulmate friend. i spent the night caring for her, and i couldn't imagine doing anything else.

i am so glad i went to the hospital. i am so glad i spent the night. i am so, so glad i held the baby right away. when i got home, i felt a little normal again (in an actual normal kind of way, not a numb, denial kinda way). I AM SO GLAD IT'S OVER.

happy birthday, the0d0ra anne. i wish for you all the good things in life. and when not so good things come your way, i wish for you a soulmate friend.
i love you.