hope?

i've always had a problem with illusive concepts that lull a person into a dangerous kind of passivity. ideas that keep one from confronting issues and feelings that can destroy their lives and relationships.

for example, i've always had a problem with the concept of trust. if you ask someone what makes a good relationship, they will no-doubtedly pull the trust card (usually not knowing what the fuck they even mean by it, like "good communication"). i've always said bullshit to trust. isn't trust just a lazy way of saying, "i don't really want to put the energy into this whole thing, so just make sure you always do what i would want you to do, ok? i'm also pretty damn selfish, so don't go trying to sneak anything in just for yourself. got it, big boy (or little girl)? if something feels uncomfortable to me, i trust you will put my wants and needs before your own."

i've found people who don't (or can't) trust themselves to have the hardest time with the whole trust thing. isn't easier to just put all the responsibility for your own happiness onto someone else? isn't it better to have someone else to blame? don't get me wrong, i also feel that mistrust is just as dangerous. how many missed opportunities for growth have been passed by because of a blind mistrust?

basically i think it comes down to a lack of constant evaluation and revision in our lives. with new information and knowledge comes the responsibility to (re)evaluate your situation, and revise your beliefs and practices and alliances accordingly. trust or mistrust in (whatever) is the lazy person's downfall.

since my baby died, i've found i have a similar problem with the concept of hope. what is this hope, but a way to live in the future? a way to try to blind one's self to the present moment, one's present anguish and pain? i will admit, it's quite tempting...but something i just can't accept. the same way living in the past with its what ifs and what could have beens can bury you alive, so will living in the future.

hope can do nothing for me in this moment except distract me from my work, from my grief, from real growth. hope is a wolf in sheep's clothing; worse, in fact. hope is a siren's song.

for this moment, i feel just about as fucked up as ever. i am ruined. that is my truth, and facing it without the bullshit of hope is the only thing that can help. without the truth of this moment, while breathing in and out, we die.