definitely possibly maybe

we are going to try to have another baby.

husband and i, over a couple of conversations during the past week, decided that we are going to try. we would love to "fall pregnant" like we did with p@ige, but i've come to the conclusion that i don't want the scraped knees. there's no way i can handle a romp in the infertility hay...not again. god, please not again.

i had a taste of the rabbit hole last month...and it wasn't pretty. it was desperate, obsessive, out of control; i just can't go there again. i had flashbacks of the year after year i tried to get pregnant before ivf and it's just not worth it.

in fact, some sickly-rational/irrational part of my brain is telling me that in the long run, i would feel better about having another ivf baby (like ivf makes some different kind of baby? hey i never said this made sense). the thinking goes, p@ige was conceived through actual sex, the way i wished we could have done it the first time. she was going to be the homebirth i wanted so badly, yet i had so much anticipatory anxiety and guilt over the fact that she'd be getting (and giving me) what i didn't have with triplets. now that she's dead and fuck me, all that shit means nothing at this point, i think i would rather have husband pull out his "weap0ns of @ss destructi0n" and hit the clinic again. i guess this time around that p0rn has alot more meaning...it did help tease out our alive kids! funny how time and life can change all concept of romance.

i also know that i don't want to attempt to accomplish the impossible; there's no way in hell i can just la-di-da through month after month trying to pretend i'm not trying to get pregnant. what the fuck?? really, i had to face the fact that if we wanted a baby, we'd go straight to the source. fuck it. i'm not getting any younger and i'm certainly not fertile just because we had p@ige.

now...there is something else. there's a creepy feeling that ivf may not work again. we've had a couple of chuckles about not transferring more than one embryo...i mean, that's funny when you have three three year olds. but it's not so funny when i think about the fact that that means nothing. i also had three alive and perfect children against way higher odds and then had another single baby die. i know of many triplet moms who had numerous failed ivfs to transfer three embryos and get triplets. people tend to think that it means i have some magic uterus; anything going in will be coming out 9 (or seven 1/2, in the first case) months later. IT DOESN'T. i know, i can't worry about this now. but shit...i'm going from assuming it will work to dread that it won't. because there's nothing left after that. FUCKING GODDAMN INFERTILITY.

i haven't told anyone IRL about this decision, except my sister, the one who had the miscarriage last year and is pregnant again. i have a fantasy about getting pregnant and not telling anyone; i think about just having it all to myself. i'm not particularly worried about losing the baby and having to make that announcement, i just want to have the pregnancy and baby all to myself...to avoid the conversations and *looks* and comments about healing and bullshit from people who have no idea and never will that one pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with the other, that i am not replacing anyone and that it will not magically make me move on from p@ige. i am certainly not telling anyone else that we're even trying.

our consultation is set for march 6. i want to get all the preliminary testing done and plan for a june cycle. i need some more time, and june feels like maybe i'll be ready. you know, that's the part i hate most about infertility...the doubts. nine months...is that long enough after i had a dead baby to get pregnant again? but it's obvious that when fertility isn't an issue it just happens, and many times, much sooner than nine months post. i hate that we can't just say, "let's do it," fuck, and get pregnant. oh well. maybe i just think too much.

ok so another baby...it's definitely possible, maybe.