"you're very lucky to have three beautiful, healthy children."
"and you have a nice house in a nice area."
"you should be thankful you have a good, supportive husband."
"thank god she didn't die of sids instead."
"you're lucky, you already have a boy and girls."
"your family is so supportive, you should be grateful."
"well, you're lucky you carried to term so it wouldn't happen again if you wanted another baby."
am i an asshole because- although i have said these things to myself, and been comforted- that i get pissed off when someone else tells me? i mean, who the hell are they to try to cheer me up with consolations? do they really think that because those statements are true, it should make the aftermath of a dead baby any easier?
and that's why i think i'm an asshole. because those things DO make it easier, and i am more thankful than i've ever been. but i just think that's for me to think, and not for them to say.
which makes me an even bigger asshole. because i've said some of those very things before i had a dead baby of my own...
edited to add: please go to Afterwards to read a waaaay more fitting post on thankfulness...make sure to get your hankie first...
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7 comments:
You are lucky, we all are in some ways but that isn't for others to say to you it's for you to decide in what way you feel that.
People say such lame stuff all the time. Even if you didn't have any of that list they'd come up with more. At least you have your health.
At least you have each other.
I don't know maybe 'at least you didn't die'.
At least doesn't make it better in fact it makes me feel a bigger ass for times like today when I'm not feeling grateful for the at least.
I agree Ashleigh's post is much healthier than either of our posts today ;o)
I think it pisses us off most because that particular person who is giving us reasons to be thankful hasn't birthed a dead baby...and we're angry and hurt - at them, at us. And what they have to say, when they haven't experienced this at all, does not do anything to appease the grief and pain we are feeling.
So, what makes you an @sshole? It makes perfect sense to me, that if one hasn't experienced a dead baby, one shouldn't be telling us what we should be grateful for. We've earned the RIGHT to say these things to ourselves. Others haven't.
Honestly, the thing that I am most grateful for now is this community of women who blog about their lost babies. I hate that we've met under these circumstances. Yet, I'm so thankful as well...
i dont think it makes you an @sshole, if so then we all are and i'm not willing to admit that yet! i've always hated other people telling me how i should feel- even more so now.
* coggy- i've learned that i need to ignore any sentence that begins "at least.."
i'm glad you got something from my post. i got a lot out of writing it.
Yeah, I hate it when people say things like this to me too. It really doesn't help, does it? Even if we say these things to ourselves.
Exactly!!
I think sometimes people just don't know what to say so they say what they think they would say if they were in our feet ... Not realizing that in our feet we don't want to hear it mirrored back at us.
We have a right to say and think what the hell we want to ourselves.
You *are* thankful for all the good things in your life...you are more thankful than those people saying these things even know. Nevertheless the good things will never erase the fact that your beautiful daughter died. That does not make you an asshole, jeez! The people saying such things are assholes...or, ok, that is harsh, they are misguided. Very misguided. Ignore them.
I do NOT think you are an ass. You are greatful for what you have, but that doesn't mean that you can't grieve or want your precious little girl back. I have a beautiful 20 month old but that doesn't mean I'm not pissed off that my twins were taken from me. I know I'm lucky, but I will always have a hole in my heart that was reserved for them. Nobody can understand what you are going through, and no one should tell you what you can and can't feel. Hugs to you :-)
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