*honey, let's have a baby!

*easily one of my most despised sentiments...for thousands of reasons...

****

ok so...we're doing another ivf. i've typed that a few times over the past two weeks, kinda not fully believing it. but there it is, in all its splendor...jesus christ...and an entire cycle's worth of meds. some of you (the few, the proud...yeah right) will recognize the line-up. i've seen the photo dozens of times, but still can't believe the one up there is MINE...AGAIN.

i've had a year to decide to try to get pregnant again, and also to decide why i would be a fool's ass in hell to try to get pregnant again. there are really good reasons- on the try side? the not try side? does it matter? there are NO ANSWERS. really, life and death, just simply NO ANSWERS...just what we end up doing/what ends up happening to us.

i feel crazy inside, but strangely calm. crazy, calm. faithless, serene.

at least now there can be an end. well, maybe not, probably not, NOT, but i can enjoy that thought for a minute, right? better yet, i should just try not to think at all. yeah, that's the ticket.

thank you, you're right

your comments mean so much to me. i can't believe how stupid and clueless i am right now, but i actually cried the whole ride home from the RE and never once thought of finding another one. what's happening to me??

we went to a satellite office of our original clinic, and, seeing how the first ivf was so successful, i figured why try to find another? just be glad they opened an office 45 minutes away instead of 90 and be done with it. i guess not. asshole.

the thing is, i knew i was bothered the whole time during the consult. just his manner, it was like he was giving a presentation (complete with a powerpoint slideshow of statistics, etc.). it was weird.

what i do understand is his thinking on my fertility status; we're not exactly INfertile, it's more like SUBfertile. i totally get his wanting to go back to less invasive treatments before ivf. in fact, as long as husband's sperm passes, i want to try on our own with the ovulation pee sticks until june. what i DON'T want to do is the half-ass treatments (all the fucking stress and bullshit without the results)...the clomid, the inseminations.

at this point, for us, it's us on our own, or it's ivf.

i checked my provider listing, and there's actually an RE about 15 minutes away. i don't think i want to go back to the other guy. i'm sick of people, professionals, not listening. and hey, this time, i can go in and play good RE bad RE; you know this next guy will be all over being the opposite of bad RE once i tell him about the other consult. he can feel like he's *the best* and i can get what i want. within reason, of course.

(jesus christ, did i just say i can get what i want? you know what i mean.)

i feel much better now, just knowing what's what. husband's getting down to business this week, and i'm calling the new RE. he better still take my insurance...wouldn't that be just my luck.

ummm...that was horrible

3-4 months clomid.

that's what he wants us to do. followed by insemination.




are you fucking goddamn KIDDING ME?????????




i feel the swishing of wind on my face as i fall into the rabbit hole...the infertility mind-fuck. i've been down this road, and it wasn't nice. can it work? maybe, possibly. can it work soon enough that i will not become a raging lunatic? maybe, possibly.

i just feel like it would be fucking around for, i don't know, 6 months.

on top of the actual treatment plan, the doctor (and then later the nurse practitioner) said, "well, you already have children so it's not like you should feel pressured. you're pretty busy as it is." FUCK ME.

what is this, some kind of joke?

i brought up the fact that i'm not comfortable with insemination because of the chance of multiples, the uncontrollably of it. i mean, ivf, you put in one embryo, there's only a chance of identical twins, a reasonable risk. he understood the fact that i would only want a single embryo transfer, but then kept saying the real risk of multiples was with ivf, not insemination. i kept reminding him, not with a single embryo transfer. DOES HE NOT GET MY STATISTICAL TRACK RECORD?????

what's happening now is, husband gets his product tested next week. that could turn all this aggravation to smoke, considering his morphology last time was bad enough to go straight to ICSI (for non-infertiles, that's where they inject the sperm into the egg). we shall see. we shall see how much of a *miracle* p@ige was after all, huh?

if he tests normal, i will have to call the doctor back. i just don't think it's feasible to drive 45 minutes each way, 3x in ten days, for monitoring for goddamn clomid for three months. also, my sister is the only one that knows about this whole fiasco, and it would be hard enough to get her pregnant ass to watch the kids for morning monitoring for ONE month, for the ivf.

husband suggested that i could take the kids with me for morning monitoring. wouldn't that be special? bringing three three year olds to a doctor's office before they would even be awake in the morning, to sit in a waiting room full of infertile women. WOULD I EVEN SURVIVE that many evil eye curses to my first pee-on-a-stick?

if the sperm comes back fine, i will push for trying on our own with ovulation predictors for 3-4 months...after all, he did say i was fertile. (insert psych ward quality laughter.)

the way i see it, i need to just wait for further testing. buy the fucking ovulation predictors and calm down. that was my plan anyway, wasn't it? get the consult, go through the testing, lose some more weight, and do this thing in june/july. so why are my panties all in a knot? maybe it was being called fertile just because i got pregnant on our own. maybe it was being told that 8 months is the normal time period for getting pregnant for someone my age (33). maybe it was because i had to think about months and months of other treatments and the insanity of that bullshit. maybe it was because i was told it shouldn't matter because i have other kids.


MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE A BABY GIRL TURNING SIX MONTHS THIS WEEKEND. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY BABY, WHO I CARRIED FOR NINE GODDAMN MONTHS, IS DEAD. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON ALREADY AND I CAN'T, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN.

thank god i WAS able to make another tattoo appointment for next tuesday. i like a sure thing these days.

it's only a day away

tomorrow is my RE consult.

what's weird is, i don't feel weird. i don't feel guilty and sad and conflicted. i feel like i'm on a mission; i feel like this is what i have to do to get pregnant and i'm not going to sit around thinking about it.

tomorrow i'll find out what tests i need to have completed, and what the doc thinks about how to go forward. i can't imagine wasting time with anything other than ivf...lord knows i don't want anything to do with insemination...I WANT ONE BABY. i am insanely curious to know his thoughts on transferring only one embryo, but like i said, I WANT ONE BABY.

so...am i an asshole yet? here i am, assuming the ivf will even work. it did before, but i know damn well that doesn't mean shit. here i am, also assuming that if it DOES work, i get to choose how many, and that i will get the alive baby at the end. i will have completely and utterly different medical care, and will plan a c-sec, but...have i not learned anything???

i guess i lied. i am conflicted. i am stuck between this gung-ho vs. everything-goes-to-shite attitude. if i feel confident, i want to punish myself by thinking of every possible thing that can go wrong. if i think about what can go wrong, i wonder why i'm even bothering. i then remember WHY i'm bothering, and start all over again.

either way, tomorrow is the beginning. tomorrow, it becomes real.